Bad Reviews for Good Movies

Warantless wiretapping has its advantages.  When the government gets to know you more personally there is the possibility they’ll look out for your best interests!  If you don’t like it, you can always commit suicide.

I had my own Groundhog Day. It was called twenty years of At The Movies. Suicide attempts and everything. But after all that time, I could never seduce Ebert. Damn that man. That glorious, wonderful man…

Planning to visit Iowa? Are you black? Let this be a lesson: you will be eaten by a corn field. All this so some monocropping subsidy-sucking corn farmer can relive an era gone by. It’s because of guys like this I have so much trouble getting those bottles of Dr. Pepper made with real sugar.

The world was so much better in 1995.  Just think what one can do by traveling back to that time.  Warn Bill Clinton to avoid cigars.  Enjoy Mel Gibson before he went crazy.  But no, Bruce Willis goes into the past to force a young Ashton Kutcher to witness his death over and over again.  Good going, Bruno. Now he bangs your ex-wife and tweets about it.

I came up with FaceMash before Zuckerberg did, when I punched him in his fat head for killing all my friends in Zombieland. I’d sue him too, but all the money in the world wouldn’t bring Bill Murray back.

Two Christian Bales and an endless supply of Hugh Jackmans? Ladies and progressive-fellas: it’s your lucky day. Magic and at least one new rom-com a year!

Jared Leto plays himself, Marlon Wayans pretends he’s more talented than his brothers and Betty White tries to hallucinate her way back to The Match Game. All in an attempt to make me stop shooting up? I heard enough of that from Ebert.

After a black escort stalks an older single lady around town she discovers what it’s like to have friends-with-benefits.  As the two get closer, Miss Daisy learns the true meaning of integration, and how to like it in the backseat.

Creationism is real and now it’s eating every scientist who said otherwise. Ironically, these dinosaurs were made using stem-cell technology. Somewhere Sarah Palin screeches like a velociraptor.

Is our children learning? Not if Drew Barrymore is their English teacher, that’s for damn sure. But what they do learn is that if you throw together some Tears For Fears and an emo kid in a skeleton costume you’ll make millions on the DVD sales.